I thought I loved “Where The Wild Things Are”, the book. Of course, this thought of mine was only a memory from my childhood. I only remembered a short picture story about Max and the Wild Things. I didn’t remember what actually happened when you boil the book down (and that is saying something, concerning boiling down about 20 pages is…a task). I’m sure many of you share the same sentiments, by holding the nostalgia of the book at face value. In lieu of the movie’s release, I decided that I would re-read WTWTA. After spending a minute and a half reading the book and staring at the pictures, I came to the decision that:

“Where The Wild Things Are” is a shitty book, even for kids.

Shocked? Maybe you don’t remember what happened…Let me refresh your memory.

Max is scampering about being a shitty kid one night (whatever, its expected, he is a kid, this is not my qualm with the book). Max’s mother sends him to bed without any dinner. Max’s mother is a shitty mother by the way, feed your kids. If your kids are being little fucks, then only feed them vegetables. Anyway, Max escapes to the land of the wild things, where he meets the said beasts. He shows them a magic trick and they make Max their king. They honored Max with the highest possible position in their kingdom. So Max cues the rumpus, and the wild things…err…rump around.

So far so good.

Then Max stops the rumpus and sends the Wild Things off to bed, without supper. Sensing a problem here? I am. Max was rumpus-ing around at home, he gets sent to bed without dinner, and is upset at that. So Max escapes to the land of The Wild Things, where he starts his own rumpus yet again. Then he sends the wild things off to bed without supper.

WHAT THE FUCK. Have you not learned ANYTHING, Max? These creatures make you their king and it takes you 4 pictures and not a single word to fuck them over? ARE YOU SERIOUS? If Hitler, Marx, and Castro had a three-way and created a love-spawn demon-child it would be a better ruler then you were.

Max then realizes he is lonely BECAUSE HE FUCKED ALL OF HIS FRIENDS OVER AND SENT THEM TO BED WITHOUT FOOD. So Max leaves his loyal subjects (for the better) to go back home. Max finds dinner on his table because his mom realized she shouldn’t malnourish her children unless she wants a custody hearing from the state. Mom learned and made dinner, Max left The Wild Things with nothing.

Worst. Protagonist. Ever.